The Domestic Avengers in: The Family Dinner
by Statues Of Misery
Summary: In which Peter, Tony and Steve are forced to attend a family dinner with Aunt May and Pepper. Crack-fic collaboration with a friend, done over the internet. TonyxSteve pairing, AU
1. Chapter 1

**So this story is a collaboration between myself and a friend named Maddie, and eventuated after we went and saw The Amazing Spiderman today. Basically, it's a headcanon that we both share, where Steve and Tony are together and Peter has been adopted as their kid. In this little story, we attempted to explore what would happen if Aunt May and Pepper forced Steve, Tony and Peter to have a family dinner.**

**Our story unfolds as such:**

Tony would be grumbling and pouting over not wanting pie, but Aunt May would be all, You'll eat your pie and like it. And Peter will laugh cause that's how she got him to eat his pie. And Steve'd be all, yes ma'am, no ma'am three bags full ma'am.

And Tony would grouch more cause seriously Steve? That's not how you win an argument!

But would Steve care? Hell no, cause he's a well brought up young man.

Steve would be like, I'm a gentleman Tony, unlike some people, and this woman is offering me pie.

Who doesn't want pie? It's a wholesome American tradition! And then Peter's phone would ring, and it'd be Gwen, But Aunt May would be like, WE ARE AT THE DINNER TABLE PETER!

And Pepper would confiscate it and tell him he could get it back the next day, but of course Tony will give it to him as soon as whenever.

Tony would totally pickpocket Pepper's pockets as soon as he could, but Pepper would totally know he's doing it, cause hello, Tony Stark, unsubtle much.

And then she'd be all, You're not really setting a good example for young Peter here. And peter would just raise an eyebrow before casually eating some pie. Cause Peter actually likes his Aunt's pie. Steve would be on his third helping of pie by now, and be constantly complimenting aunt May's pie, whilst Tony pouts at his plate.

And then Tony will actually have some pie, and will just stop because shit, this pie is really really good. But he can't say that because he's Tony Stark. And Tony Stark is never wrong.

So he pretends that he can't taste another bite and pushes the plate away, which make Aunt May sad. And then Pepper smacks Tony over the head.

They totally find him eating the leftovers in the middle of the night. But would there be leftovers? Not at the rate Steve's going.

No no, see Aunt May would assume all of them would just like, inhale it, so when Tony doesn't eat his, there's some left - not much, but some.

Tony totally hoards the leftovers in his lab. Because all the Avengers love Aunt May's pies.

And then Pepper and Aunt May are like, we'll leave you boys to do the dishes and they go into the lounge room and are having this really nice chat when they hear a dish break, and they're like, oh no, what have we done? And then they get to the kitchen and they see Tony throwing the plates to peter whos doing all this acrobatic nonsense to catch them and put them away whilst Steve casually washes up with pink rubber gloves on.

And Steve's ignoring them, asking them to please, try not to break all the plates. We need to eat off something.

And Tony's snarking about how he could just eat them off Steve's abs, and Peter shoves his fingers in his ears and starts yelling LALALA really loud, and ends up getting hit with a plate. And then he whinges and Aunt May and Pepper are just standing there gobsmacked because they don't know what to do.

Pepper would start, not yelling exactly, but speaking sternly, and would be going what do you think you're doing. Aunt May would shake her head sadly, because really boys. And Tony and Peter would have to apologise, and Tony's like, I'll go and buy another plate set or whatever tomorrow, promise. Which is a total lie cause it's Tony and Steve points that out, still washing the dishes. Like a good captain. Setting the best example for the men of America.

Steve would also apologise, even though he didn't break anything, because he feels that they were his responsibility, and he didn't exactly stop them.

And then Peter would just point at Tony and say, he made me do it and then bolt, because Tony would be all, Peter! You little snitch! And then chase him around the house because his principles are at stake.

But Peter is a crafty kid. He would hide in the air vents and stuff, but Tony cheats and gets Jarvis to help. But Jarvis is on Peter's side, and misdirects him all the time.

And Tony's all, come out Peter, I promise I won't hurt you, much, but Peter's far too smart for Tony. Meanwhile, Steve is casually finishing the dishes whilst Pepper and Aunt May share a glass of wine.

They deserve it. They offer some to Steve too, but he says no, because wine and he do not mix well.

Alcohol doesn't affect him though. Aw yeah. Forgot about that. Maybe he had a strong moral upbringing? He thinks it might be a waste on him? Also, he has to go round up his husband and son before something or one gets thrown out window. And then, as if on cue, a crashing sound can be heard and all three of them look out the window to see Peter soaring across the city skyline. and Tony is suited up and going after him, whilst Steve just shakes his head, pinching the bridge of his nose and sighing. He's already working out damage control.

And you can just hear Peter and Tony in the distance, shouting obscenities at one another that have to do with the male genitalia. And faces. And contorting bodies into impossible positions. Basically, everything that Tony has ever experienced in sex is being shouted to the world as Peter escapes into the night. And then some.

And Steve would be blushing because that is supposed to be private Tony, jfc, I know you struggle with the concept but really. And then he contacts him over the comms or whatever and is like, get back to the tower/mansion/wherever, or you're cut off. For the next week.

And Tony would instantly be like, you're joking, right? Right? Steve? Honey? Ah shit, and then fly back. However, they have no way of contacting Peter and so he continues fearfully fleeing the city of New York. Nah, he'd treat it as a game - he knows his dads' won't hurt him. Much. Also, I think this is a regular occurence, so he knows how it ends and this is how he gives them their 'alone time'

All the while thinking, my dads' are probably going at it. This is a little weird. So he tries not to think about it, and goes to visit Gwen.

Who immediately is just like, 'Family dinner.' and doesn't even need a response because Peter's face says it all. THEN THEY MAKE OUT.

And Aunt May and Pepper leave after Tony comes back and he's like a wounded puppy, all I'm sorry, don't be mad to Steve who refuses to even look at him as he says goodbye like a good little All-american. And Tny would follow him going, Steve? Where are you going Steve? You live here too Steve, you can't just leave. Steve! Where are you going? STEVE.

And then he'd be all, FINE! I don't need you anyway! And storm off to the lab. To sulk. But then he'd feel so guilty and then he would try to reason it all out, the chasing of Peter, the refusal to eat the pie. Bruce would get called for advice and be all, Dude, I don't know, maybe you took it too far? Why are you asking me though? I can't have a relationship.

My last one ended because of my big, green and ugly problem. ((I don't need to know about your STDs Bruce) (TONY!)) Anyway, I'm really the last person you should be asking.

But one of the Avengers gets this call every time this happens, when honestly, Steve had already forgiven Tony, but figured he'd go pick Peter up because Peter is ridiculously predictable if you're anyone but Tony. No sleepovers on weeknights.

I don't think Captain Stacey would approve Peter. I know she's your girlfriend, but seriously, keep it in your pants, as Tony would say.

DAD!

Steve would just shrug, cause come on, they are teenagers. Anyway, there's time for that later, Peter. We have to get back and make sure Tony hasn't drunk himself into a stupor and locked himself in the lab with volatile equipment again. Thank god Dummy was there.

And Peter would sigh, but would give Gwen a kiss goodbye (keep it quick son, we do have to leave today) and then they'd head out.

And Tony would be moping in the tower with a glass of whiskey in his hand (undrunk though, cause Steve's trying to get him to drink less, and oh god Steve), staring dejectedly at a photo of Steve and Peter and him, cause he's the type to just completely overeact over everything, and Jarvis would be trying to console him, but Tony would just mope even more.

NO JaRVIS. THIS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN HELP WITH.

And then Steve would walk in with Peter and be all, hey Tony, we're home, and Tony would be all, you left me. Why'd you leave me? on the inside, but he plays it cool as a cucumber. (NOT) Steve can see right through him.

And Steve would be going, shh, shh, it's okay. Peter, head off to bed, okay? Goodnight. And then he'd like be reassuring Tony that, no, he's not going to leave him.

And Jarvis would have reported what was happening to Pepper at some point, and Pepper be like, right, that's why we don't do family dinners.

And Peter would just lean against the door frame of the next room, smile at his two crazy dads' and head for his bedroom.

And then Tony would whisper something lewd and to do with pie and Steve's abs and Steve would blush and stammer and then he'd be like, I thought you didn't like pie and Tony'd be all, I LIKE ANYTHING IF IT'S ON YOU. (That's when Peter starts running, cause God, he does NOT need to hear this, thank God his room is on the other side of the building and soundproofed)

Then Steve and Tony have sexy times. With Aunt May's pie.

And they don't have a family dinner for another two months, by which time they've forgotten exactly why they don't do family dinners

Stay tuned for the next installment, in which Peter gets babysat by Loki and Thor has no idea what human teenagers get up to in their spare time. Tony introduces Steve to the idea of a "sandwich" and Clint proposes to Natasha (before getting falcon punched in the face). And Bruce gets called by disgruntled Avengers for relationship advice YET AGAIN! Seriously, when did he become the universal confidant of the Avengers? The guru of love? When his relationship skills are probably the most in need of help of all of them.

Oh wait, he forgot about Clint, nevermind.

AW YEAH.

** (Did we mention that it's a bit cracky?)**


	2. Author's Note

Hey, so this is just a quick author's note to let our followers and things know, that Maddie and I have finished another story in this 'verse, but because it's a different style, we've decided to post it in a new story, which you can find with our profile.

Anyways, big thanks!

Gem and Maddie.


End file.
